The List
by mia2323
Summary: When Wells Jaha died, he left so much more than a small summer bucket list. [Modern AU. Bellarke]
1. The List

[A/N: Enjoy! I can't believe I'm starting a new WIP but I am! I hope you enjoy it and get ready for what I have in store! Let me know what you think on Tumblr: **augustusblakee** ]

...

 **Two Years Before**

Clarke Griffin exhausted.

Her bones are absolutely aching but she continued to run side by side with the boy beside her. The sun was beginning to rise and she could think of plenty of other things she would rather be doing than running this early in the morning. Number one of these things is to be in bed asleep.

But she made a promise to best friend and she intends to keep it (and to be honest, she knew more than anyone that Wells Jaha would drag her out of bed even if she continued to lay there).

They were running along the coast so the light breeze was enough to keep her cool but not enough to get her to stride faster.

Her headphones were blaring in her ears and she would swear to anyone that David Bowie was actually helping her run along the pavement even if it didn't look that way.

She sighed in relief when Wells started to slow down next to her. She took in his form and rolled her eyes. He didn't even look like he had broken a sweat and she knew without looking in the mirror that her face was red and her hair was even more frizzy than usual.

She hastily pulled out her headphones when they finally started walking.

She followed him toward the small bench overlooking the water and happily collapsed onto it.

Wells laughed and he stretched his arms above his head. "You're going to cramp up."

She waved him off and continued to take harsh breaths from her spot. "Why do I do this?"

Wells continued to laugh but it was the kind of laugh that was light and filled with compassion. "You're the one who wanted to be on the cross country team with me next fall."

"I'm beginning to regret this." She stretched her legs out and rolled her ankles out with another huff. She grumbled as Wells took a seat beside her. "You're going to cramp up." She mocked with a slight smile.

Wells hit her arm with his elbow as he looked out to see the sun slowly but surely making its way up in the sky. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

She took in the morning colors. The blues and violets sitting against the soft yellow in the sky. It made her fingers itch for pastels and it made her breathing coming out softer. "Yeah, it's something."

Wells was quiet and from his headphones she could hear the soft piano of whatever classical piece he was listening too. She always thought that it was so strange how he listened to music that had no words when he ran but sitting here alongside him and watching the sunrise, she couldn't picture anything else that would better suit the moment.

She turned her head and realized the expression on his face. She elbowed his arm. "What's that look for?"

Wells smiled a smile that was real and full of wonder. "It's just nice." He gestured around them. "Sitting here and taking it all in."

His words weren't poetic or something that would change mountains but it made her sit still for another moment. She heard birds chirping, cars moving and waves crashing. It truly was amazing all in its own way.

But in typical Clarke Griffin style, she rolled her eyes and elbowed him as she slowly stood up. "If I'm going to finish this mile we better get going, Jesse Owens."

His laughter filled her ears and before long, they were falling in stride together as they finished the last mile of their run.

With harsh breaths and shaky legs, she found herself walking up the driveway of Well's home. It was the biggest house in the neighborhood but knowing his parents like she did, she didn't expect anything less from a family involved completely in politics.

She followed Wells into the kitchen and looked for the picture she knew would be attached to a cheap New York, New York magnet. It was of the two of them from so long ago. Her hair was in two braids instead of one and her smile was wide as she pushed her face against Well's. They were young and small but even then they knew they would be best friends for life.

She took a seat at the kitchen table and mumbled her thanks when Wells placed a purple gatorade before her. Purple gatorade's were the best ones.

As she took a lingering sip of the refreshing liquid, she realized she we alone in the spacious kitchen. She finished half of her gatorade by the time Wells made his way back into this kitchen. He made his way to the seat across from her and slid over whatever he had gotten upstairs.

She tilted her head and took in the envelope addressed to her and the book that lay underneath it. _Of Mice and Men._

"What's this for?" She didn't wait for a response as she flipped the envelope over. There was a red seal of his family's crest sealing the letter and a small note that said, 'love always, w'. She gently pulled open the letter and pulled the neatly folded note out.

Wells still didn't say anything as she took in the small letter and his perfect handwriting.

 _Clarke's Epic Summer List  
_ \- _Swim during the sunrise  
_ \- _Read every Steinbeck book (there will be a test on this later)  
_ \- _Become a better runner!  
_ \- _Call at least three people "Lassie"  
_ \- _Be a tourist for a day  
_ \- _Eat the weirdest flavor ice cream at Grounders  
_ \- _Learn to ride a bike (honestly what fifteen year old can't ride a bike, Griffin)  
_ \- _Make Jake bake (see what I did there?)_

 _Try not to miss me too much.  
_ _W_

She looked back at him. "What's this?"

Wells shrugged and smiled at her. It was a smile that would make a politician jealous and also a smile that would make any girl in their grade fall in love with him more than they already were. "You're spending an entire summer away from me. I couldn't let you go without something to do."

She rolled her eyes but felt a smile make its way toward her face. Leave it to Wells Jaha to make the fact that she had to spend her entire summer away with her father something more than an epic reminder of her parents failed relationship.

She glanced back at the list and smirked. "Every Steinbeck book or just the good ones?"

Wells laughed but then turned very serious. "Every Steinbeck book is a good book."

She shook her head but clutched the letter and the book toward her.

...

 **Now**

She was wearing a black dress that itched no matter how she sat or stood.

The dress was new. It still smelled like the department store her mother had picked it up from. She never needed a formal black dress before.

Her eyes burned from how many times she cried but the more she found herself crying, the more she found herself falling away from feeling anything at all.

Death. The word itself was cunning.

As she stared at the coffin as it was lowered into the ground, she found herself thinking of long division problems. As she recited the steps in her head maybe the situation she was in would be nothing but a math problem she couldn't solve.

As the Jaha's took their last glance, she realized this wasn't the case.

It took her a few moments before she actually felt her mother's hand on her arm. She turned to her suddenly and tried not to take in the look her mother was giving her. It was a look that everyone seemed to give her.

"Everyone is going to the house." Her mother paused. "Or would you just want to go home?"

She shrugged because she didn't know what she wanted to do. She wanted to scream and she also wanted to text Wells and have him respond. She wanted the constant pain to go away. She wanted a lot of things.

"Clarke?" She turned her head the same time as her mother did as Thelonious Jaha made his way toward them. His suite we entirely black making his skin look even darker than usual. His face was coated in a light beard and she couldn't think of a single memory that involved him having one.

She wondered what she looked like. Did she still look the same or did she look like someone whose best friend was dead.

She crossed her arms and nodded toward Thelonious. She felt her pulse racing. Was he going to confirm her thoughts? Was he going to curse the day she was born? Her hands shook as she dug her nails into her skin.

Thelonious gave a nod back before her turned toward her mother. "Abigail, can you give us a minute?"

Her mother took a moment before she nodded. "Sure, that should be alright." She turned her head and widened her eyes at her mother. Her mother didn't say anything at the look she was giving her. "I'll be in the car, Clarke."

She watched her mother go before she turned toward Thelonious. She offered him a small smile but it didn't feel right on her face. She bet it showed.

"How are you doing?" Thelonious asked. His voice was strong and she thought about his press conference two nights ago when he talked about the loss of his son. The conference itself of was blur to her until they showed a few pictures on the screen. More than half of the photos had her placed right beside him. Her favorite picture of them wasn't shown though. And for that she was grateful. She wanted a piece of him that wasn't shown on nation wide television.

"I'm alright." She found herself saying quickly with a nod of the head. "How are – how are you?" She glanced at the ground.

"We're doing alright." He shoved his hands into his pockets but quickly pulled out the letter that was folded into it.

She felt her breath hitch.

"We found this yesterday." He said softly as he placed the small envelope into her palm. She shakily turned it over and saw the familiar red seal and the same handwriting he always left on the back of his cards, 'love always, w'.

She didn't look up as she nodded her head. She flipped it over a few times in her hands before she looked up. "Thank you."

Thelonious nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets and leaving them there. "I hope you know how much he loved you."

It stung. The words. The thought. All of it. She held the letter in her hands and found herself stopping from crumbling it in her hands. "I know." He was her best friend. He was her person. And now he was gone.

"Very well." Thelonious said as she straightened up. She watched as his face transformed right before her. He no longer looked like the vulnerable man who had just buried his son, instead he looked like the politician he was born to be, the politician he was. "Don't be a stranger, Clarke."

She nodded even though she knew right then and there, she would never step foot into the Jaha's home ever again.

She looked down at the letter in her hands as she walked toward the red Jeep her mother was currently sitting in. She took a breath and lightly walked on the window.

Her mother smiled softly as she rolled down the window. She could feel the air conditioning against her skin. "You alright?"

She clutched the letter in her hands. She toed off her shoes and held them toward her mother. "I'm going to run home."

She watched her mother's face and saw the familiar concerned glance make its way back onto her face but she still asked, "You sure?"

She nodded and watched her mother place the small heels on the empty passenger seat. She didn't offer more before she turned and ran away from the cemetery.

Away from all of it.

...

The letter lay on her desk, unopened.

She towel dried her hair as she stared at it. She dropped the blue towel and made her way toward her desk. She ran her finger over the wax seal and felt the crest press into her palm. She felt her throat close up as she lifted it.

But she quickly dropped it at the light knocking on her door.

She took a deep breath. "Yeah?"

There was a still moment before the door popped open and her mother's face was in view. "Hey sweetie." She paused. "Lexa's downstairs." Her stomach twisted in the worst way at the name. Her mother noticed. "Do you want me to tell her to leave?"

She let out a breath. "No." She tucked a piece of wet hair behind her ear. "I'll be down in a minute." She smiled what she hoped to be reassuring as her mother gently shut the door. She took a moment and glanced at the empty spaces on the cork-board above her desk. Pictures where Lexa Woods used to be.

She made her way downstairs and took in Lexa's appearance. The familiar ripped black tank, jeans shorts and black vans.

She crossed her arms as she made her way before the petite brunette. "What are you doing here?"

Lexa let out a breath and crossed her own arms. An onlooker would think they were preparing for battle and maybe they were. "I wanted to see how you were doing."

She scoffed at that. "Well, I'm fucking fantastic so you can leave."

Lexa didn't falter and turn away. She thought back to the first time she had seen the curly haired beauty. She thought about the first time their lips touched. Now it just felt like something she could only compare to a dementor's kiss. "Clarke. Come on." Lexa's voice was surprisingly low. "I care about you."

If she wasn't so sad she might have laughed at the statement. "No. Wells cared about me." She paused. _And now he's dead because of me,_ she thought.

Lexa took a breath. "I didn't know, alright? No one could have known what was going to happen to him. I'm sorry he's gone. I'm sorry Wells-."

"You don't get to talk about him." She spat out. "You don't get to say him name. Ever."

Lexa nodded, her lips forming a slight heart. "I'm sorry, Clarke."

She felt her hands shake. "Saying sorry doesn't bring him back."

"Fair enough." She stood still as Lexa took a deep breath. And just like she had done not even a week ago, she turned and left her alone.

It didn't make the pain in her chest lessen.

She took a deep breath and headed up the stairs just as her mother was walking down. Her mother glanced at the door and empty foyer before she spoke. "I have some lasagna in the oven."

"I'm not hungry." She mumbled as she looked up toward her door. "I'm going to go lay down if that's alright."

"Of course." Her mother said lightly as she reached and patted the side of her head. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

She nodded and made her way up toward her room. She glanced at the letter that still lay unopened on her desk. She took a breath and turned away, falling onto her bed instead.

...

"You sure you still want to do this?"

She glanced up toward her mother as she reached for her book-bag. She tucked a piece of blonde hair behind her ear as she looked around the crowded terminal. "I kind of have too, don't I?" She gripped the strap of her book-bag. "It's required by law."

Her mother lightly rolled her eyes. "Your dad would understand if you wanted to stay home for the summer."

She had thought about it but for the past week she hadn't set much of a foot outside of her room, let alone her house. Going to Alexandria, Virginia didn't sound that bad the more she thought about it. Sure, she might be in her room there the entire time but at least she would be away from the small hell she have placed herself into.

"I'll be fine."

Her mother looked unsure but nodded anyway. "Alright. I told your dad to text me when your plane lands but he'll probably forget." She rolled her eyes. "So, text me alright? And remember to call me-."

"Every Friday." She supplied with a small smile. "This isn't the first summer I've spent with dad, mom."

"I know." Her mother said softly. It sounded like there was more she wanted to say but instead she reached in and kissed her forehead before she said her goodbye.

As she passed through security, she saw her mother still rooted in the same spot. She shook her head and offered a lame wave as she walked toward her gate.

She pulled out her headphones and placed them into her phone jack. She scrolled her fingers through a few playlists before she landed on one at the bottom. A playlist she didn't make herself. _'Wells'_

She tapped the screen and before she knew it, classical music filled her ears. She felt tears well up in her eyes. She stopped walking and hastily closed out of the playlist and tapped one she used for running. The Jackson 5 soon jumped into her ears and she felt her heart slow down at the song.

She took a deep breath as she continued her journey toward her gate.

The plane was delayed, like the mostly are, but four hours later, she was walking in the Reagan National Airport in search of her father. She peered over heads and jumped up and down until she spotted the familiar sandy blonde hair.

She felt her legs break out into a run as soon she slammed her body into the side of her father's. He laughed a bit under his breath before he circled his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head and didn't let go for what seemed like a small eternity.

"Hey, kiddo." His voice was soft and it made her clutch around him harder. His laughter was gone and she felt him squeeze her back. He didn't need to say anything.

And for that she was grateful.

He just knew.

…

The house was bright yellow.

It had always been bright yellow and it was the main reason she loved her father's house. She still remembered the day she came for the summer to a fresh painted yellow house. The neighbors next door had complained every which way but her father refused to change it.

The bright color almost hurt to look at now.

She kicked at the rocks leading toward the front porch and was about to walk toward it before she felt a tug on her book-bag. She turned and saw her father with both of her duffel bags strung across his shoulders. There was a weird look on his face.

"What's up?" She asked softly as she narrowed her eyes in curiosity.

Her father took a breath, it made her nerves grow. "I haven't had the time to really tell you but I met someone."

Her breath hitched slightly because in an ideal world, she always imagined her parents getting back together. She knew it wasn't likely but she still dreamed about it, even as a seventeen-year-old girl. She knew why her parent's didn't work and she was grateful that they still maintained a respectful relationship but she had always just accepted that they would fall back together eventually.

Instead of voicing this she said, "Oh, well, that's great. Yeah?"

Her father's tense look didn't fade. "Yeah but Clarke. She uh-."

"Your back!"

She turned her head and watched as a tanned woman with dark hair make her way toward them. She was in a pair of ripped jean capris and a pink tank top that made her skin glow against the color of the house.

"We're back." Her father said with a strange tone.

She gripped her book-bag straps and narrowed her eyes; it didn't falter the woman before her. "I'm Anya. I've heard so much about you, Clarke. Your father has pretty much been counting down the days until you got here."

There was laughter around her. She felt herself nod. She didn't know what to say but she watched as her father and Anya exchanged a look. She swallowed and turned toward her father. "I'm kind of tired. I'm going to go lay down if that's alright."

"Sure." Her father said quickly. " You remember which room is yours?"

She nodded and didn't laugh at the attempted joke as she reached for her duffel bags. She glanced at Anya and felt strained smile come across her face. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." Anya said more softly this time. The overexcited eager dried from her voice.

She nodded and felt a bit bad for the brush off but she couldn't handle anything else new today. She made her way up the deck and into the house. It was different everywhere she turned, obviously a woman's work but it wasn't that bad. She was grateful though that her room was the same.

She shut the door and dropped her bags as she took in the familiar walls. She had prints of her favorite paintings scattered across the walls. Her favorite was the wall her father had painted for her two summers ago; it was an exact replica of Van Gogh's _Starry Night._

She went toward the wall and ran her fingers against the paint before she collapsed onto her bed. She could hear movement downstairs but she couldn't bring it in herself to get up.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the folded envelope. She twirled it around in her hands before she stared at the unopened seal. She took a deep breath before she peeled it open.

 _Clarke's Epic Summer List  
_ \- _Eat in front of the Lincoln Monument  
_ \- _Hug someone named Nathan  
_ \- _59 Ave. Ask for Octavia  
_ \- _Dance until you fall over  
_ \- _Learn how to ride a bike (honestly why is this my third time writing this?)  
_ \- _Jump into the water  
_ \- _Learn a new language  
_ \- _Share some secrets in the dark  
_ \- _Apply to your dream school.  
_ \- _Sing in front of strangers  
_ \- _Sleep under the stars_

 _Try not to miss me too much. Until we meet again,  
_ _W_

She didn't realize she was crying until the writing got hard to read.

...


	2. Jump Into The Water

**[A/N:** This is a Bellarke story but Clarke on the show is bisexual and I will be representing that. If you do not wish to see small future Clexa scenes, then this isn't the story for you. Otherwise, enjoy chapter two!]

Music Inspired: "Knocking On Heavens Door" by Bob Dylan and "Promise" by Ben Howard

* * *

 **Two Years Before**

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as her gaze jumped around the terminal.

She giggled to herself when she saw a man with sandy blonde hair doing exactly the same thing. She instantly ran through the mass of people before jumping up and launching herself to the body she had missed so much over the past few weeks.

Her father had moved out four months and although the thought caused her to wrinkle her brow and frown, she couldn't help but be excited to be in his presence. He was ever the optimist and dreamer that never failed to make her feel like magic and all other good things, were real.

She held onto him tighter.

She missed the way he smelled like coffee and paint. She missed how he tried to dress fancy but his tie was always misplaced and his hands were always covered in whatever material he was using to create some kind of masterpiece.

With her arms still wrapped around him she pulled her head away from his neck and grinned at him.

His mouth was still somewhat open with laughter flowing from his tongue. He smiled at her before he carefully set her back onto the ground. "How was the ride?"

She shrugged as her father picked up her duffel bags. "It was alright." She reached into her pocket. "Got you peanuts."

He laughed as he pocketed the small red bag. "I knew I kept you around for a reason." He paused. "I took the metro here. Is that alright?"

She nodded her head rapidly. She had spent the night before researching different ways to get into the city with Wells. She had the small map he drew her in her book-bag along with the bucket list he had made her. "Oh wait!" She froze and so did he. "Good to see you, lassie."

He tilted his head in confusion before he laughed again in understanding. "Wells?"

She nodded as they climbed the small flight of stairs toward the metro. She quickly reached behind her and made quick work of opening her book-bag and pulling out the familiar envelope. "He sent me with a bucket list."

He held out his hand and she placed it into his palm. She watched him take in the words with a smile before he looked down at her. "He sure is something." There was a strange look on his face. "I missed having you guys around."

She thought about it then. How she was at home with her best friend, her mother and half of her family when her father was here. Ten hours away and alone.

She shook the thoughts away from her head as he placed the list back into her hands. She stuffed it into her pocket and grinned at him. "So, how exactly yellow is the house?"

…

 _"_ _So the house really is yellow?"_

She laughed and fell back onto her back. She couldn't shake the smile from her face as she stared at the swirls of blue and yellow on the wall across from her bed. She loved Van Gogh and her father had painted her favorite piece.

"The house really is yellow." She clutched the phone closer to her ear. "I wish you were here."

Being with her father was awesome. They laughed, ate pancakes for lunch and then dressed up and went to some fancy country club down in the city. But she still wished Wells was there for all of it, too. She knew he would laugh at all her father's antics and she knew he would try to beat her at who could eat the most pancakes.

 _"_ _Me too."_ Wells said softly as he moved around. She tried to picture what he was doing. _"Our first summer apart since like, birth."_

She glanced beside her bed to see the bucket list he had written her taped up against the wall. "Yeah, it's weird." She wrapped herself up more in her comforter. "How's everything there?"

Wells made a grunting noise into the phone. _"Not much. My dad is still acting like we're the perfect family but I beat my mile time."_

She felt her face pinch up. Although her parents didn't have the perfect marriage, they were always up front about it. When her mom was being a pain in the ass, her father told her and vice versa. Disagreements were talked about and for the most part, resolved.

It was never like that at the Jaha's. If something happened, it was never thought of again. Ever.

"I'm sorry." She said softly into the phone. She wished she was there with him in this very moment.

He didn't say anything and she wondered if he was thinking the same thing. _"It's alright. Tell me more about your day."_

"You wouldn't believe where we ate dinner. Dad got like super fancy."

 _"_ _This was after the pancakes for lunch, right?"_

She rolled her eyes but laughed. "Yeah but honestly. It was so beautiful. It's called The Ark, I think?" She nodded at herself when she realized she was right. "Anyway. There's this huge lake that's behind it and I was so tempted to jump into it during dinner."

 _"_ _You should do it next time you go."_

She thought about the 'NO SWIMMING' sign she saw staked up before the water. "I don't think you're allowed to."

Wells was quiet for a moment and when he spoke, she could hear the smile in his voice. _"Sometimes you just gotta take that risk, Griffin."_

 _…_

 **Now**

She woke up hours ago but she hadn't left her bed.

When she reached for her phone she realized she hadn't left her bed in exactly two days. She felt her stomach grumble and with a slight groan, she lifted herself up and off of her bed.

She stretched and rubbed at her eyes as she tried to wake up a bit more. She caught a small glimpse of herself in the mirror before she instantly turned away. She couldn't stand the sight of herself.

She yawned as she made her way outside of her room. She climbed down the stairs haltingly when she heard her father's voice from somewhere downstairs.

"I don't know what to do, Abigail." He voice was tight and it sounded different than anything she ever heard come from his mouth. "She hasn't – yes, I know." His voice grew slightly louder. "Do you really think being back there would help her right now?"

She stood rooted in her place on the bottom step. She thought about being back at home. Being back at the place where she used to spend all her time with Wells. It hurt all at once.

She couldn't bare the thought of being in her room again without having Wells on the other end of the phone at the end of the day. She couldn't imagine eating at Alpha Station Subs without him and laughing when he accidently got a tomato on his sub.

She couldn't bare the thought of having a single person look at her the way they did at his funeral. The long stares. The awkward nods. The silence.

She took a deep breath and made her way into the kitchen. She caught her father's eye and watched him smile softly at her in return. "I have to go. I'll talk to her." He dropped his phone onto the counter and brought a hand through his hair. "Are you hungry?"

She nodded and crossed her arms. He nodded in response and turned toward the fridge. "Was that mom?" She already knew it was but she couldn't help herself from asking.

He paused for a minute as he pulled out a carton of eggs. "Yeah." He looked up at her with a sad smile. A familiar smile to her but not one coming from his face. "She thinks you'd be better going back home." His voice sounded sad. She wondered if he thought about how he only saw her during the summer and Thanksgiving because she did just then. "I told her it was your choice." He turned toward the carton of eggs.

"I can't go back there." Her voice was eager, urgent. She was surprised that it was her own. She looked at the wooden floor beneath her toes. "I just. I can't." She glanced up to see eyes the same color of hers looking back at her.

"Alright." He still had a sad look upon his face. "But the minute you want to go home, you tell me."

She only stared in return. She took her spot at the small table and watched her father make her eggs despite the fact that it was almost one in the afternoon. She picked at the table and watched him. It was strange to think how this time last year, they were doing so many things and laughing, exchanging stories about the year before.

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. "Where's Anya?"

A smile made its way to her father's face then. "She's a teacher at Georgetown." He glanced at her as he scrambled eggs around in the frying pan. "She teaches Art History."

She nodded, realizing that she didn't know anything about the other woman that was living with her father. "Where did you meet?"

His smile only continued to grow. "She came to one of my showcases last fall."

It stung to think that her father met someone and failed to tell her when she saw him last but she couldn't hold a grudge against him. He was a grown man and allowed to make his own decisions, even if she didn't like the outcome.

"That's cool." She supplied lamely. Her voice was still scratchy from the fact that she hadn't been using it for two days.

Her father smiled as he placed a plate of eggs and toast in front of her. He grabbed his coffee cup and sat across from her. The mug was old and she could see her fifth grade handwriting scribbled across it as it read, 'World's Greatest Dad'

He took a sip of coffee before he glanced at her, his smile weaker and less bright than moments before. "It would mean a lot to me if you guys could get along." He played with the mug handle.

She chewed on the piece of toast but didn't feel anything or taste it. She nodded and watched his smile grow again.

She finished half of her plate before she rose up and wiped off the remains into the garbage. She placed the empty plate into the sink and turned toward her father. "I think I'm going to go for a run."

He looked surprised but nodded quickly. "Sure." He took a final sip of coffee and placed it into the sink next to her plate "I'll be out back if you need me."

She nodded and stared at him as he made his way outside before she turned around and made her way upstairs.

Alone once again.

…

Her feet hurt after the second mile but she continued to make her way across the small town.

She felt the blood pumping in her bones and the music swimming around in her ears. She had settled on Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits but she found herself repeating the same song. Her feet moved to the soft voice singing about heaven's door and when she reached a deserted sidewalk, she finally slowed down her pace.

She felt her legs already starting to ache. She used to run because she enjoyed it and now she found herself running to get away from things.

When she ran she didn't think about Lexa Woods. She didn't think about the blood on her hands on the night she never wanted to remember. She didn't think about the face Thelonious Jaha gave her when he first found out his son was dead.

Instead, she thought about the blood flowing throughout her body. She thought about her lungs inhaling and exhaling. She thought about her feet touching places they never came across before.

She liked running because it paused everything else. It paused the hurt that seemed wrapped around her heart like an emotional tether. It paused the sensation to drop everything and collapse onto the floor. It paused the nagging in the back of her head that told her that she didn't deserve to be alive after what she had done.

She made her way toward a small wooden bench and fell onto it with an out of breath sigh. She glanced at her phone and saw a blank screen. No messages, no calls, not a single thing.

She pulled out her headphones and unlocked her screen. She took a deep breath and pressed the familiar contact and brought the phone up to her ear.

 _'_ _Hey! You've reached Wells. I'm sorry I missed your call!'_

There was a slight pause before an automated voice came in to tell her to leave a message after the beep. She ended the call and then dialed it again.

 _'_ _Hey! You've reached Wells. I'm sorry I missed your call!'_

She took a deep breath and waited for the beep. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She felt tears well up into her eyes before she ended the call quickly.

She glanced around the empty street and shoved her headphones back into their place. She took a deep breath and ran.

Because running was all she knew how to do anymore.

…

She was brushing out her wet hair when there was a gentle knock on the door.

It was almost five o'clock and she knew her father didn't leave his studio above the garage for another few hours so she wasn't surprised when the dark haired woman entered her room.

"Hey." Anya said softly. She was dressed in a pair of dark red pants and a gray t-shirt. The color looked good against her skin and she found herself envious of the dark contrast compared to her pale one. "I wondered if you wanted to get dinner with me."

Her mouth already was forming a denial but she thought about what her father had said only a few hours ago. _It would mean a lot to me if you guys could get along._ She glanced at the woman she barely knew and felt herself nod slowly in response. "Alright." She glanced down at her shorts and tank top. "Should I change?"

Anya shook her head. "Is The Ark alright? I've been craving their steak lately." Her tone was light and the laughter didn't sound forced as it left her lips. She found herself jealous of this fact. "If not we can find somewhere else around here."

"No, that sounds fine." She forced a smile. "Just give me a few minutes to get ready."

Anya beamed. "Sure. I'll just be downstairs."

She watched her go and felt her stomach clamp up at the thought of taking the metro about a half hour away to eat with someone she didn't now anything about except her name. She finished getting ready without glancing in a mirror and made her way downstairs.

Anya had written on the chalkboard wall in the kitchen that they would bring her father back something to eat. She stared at the word ' _Love, Anya and Clarke'_ underneath the neat handwriting.

They didn't talk much on the ride over; well she didn't talk much on the ride over. Anya talked about her summer class and how much she liked teaching in the summer compared to the actual school year. She explained that people who took classes in the summer actually learn better. It didn't make sense to her but she found herself listening anyway.

After the half hour ride on the metro, they took a taxi to the familiar country club. She found herself staring at the large brick covered building with memories building up against her brain. She remembered the first time she had gone with her father. They had shared shrimp appetizers and laughed for so long that the thought caused her lungs to almost heave of emptiness.

As they walked toward their seats outside by the lake she thought of so many things and nothing at all.

"So, Clarke." She took her eyes away from the dock leading toward the middle of the lake and glanced at Anya, whose face still held a small smile. "You're going to be a senior next year, yeah?"

She hadn't thought about it much lately. She used to count down the days until her graduation date but now the slight thought caused her to shiver. "Uh, yeah." She mumbled as she glanced around the full patio. Her eyes caught onto two boys laughing together at what appeared to be a small waiter station. One had curly, unruly hair and the other had hair shaved closely to his head. She took her eyes away and glanced back at Anya.

Anya took a deep breath; obviously feeling the awkward tension as well. "Have you thought about college yet?"

If she had asked her this question a year ago, she would have spoken about her top three schools but now, she had no clue what she would be doing in the next week let alone the next year. "No." She said softly instead of supplying her lingering thoughts. She didn't add anything else and she was grateful that Anya didn't ask anymore questions.

She ordered a chicken salad that she barely touched. She was glad Anya didn't ask why, either.

…

She was laying in her bed facing the blue and yellow covered wall.

The house was still and quiet. She knew her father was back inside because he had poked his head into her room twenty-minutes ago. She pretended she was asleep.

But now her eyes were wide open and she couldn't force them to close. She tried counting backward from one hundred and she tried listening to music but nothing helped.

She glanced at the end table next to her bed and saw the familiar envelope propped up against a stack of books. She reached for it and flipped it around in her hands before she opened it and pulled out the letter.

Her eyes ran across the page before they settled on the task in the middle of it. Jump into the water.

Her eyebrows knitted together as she tried to think of what that had meant. She stared at the words for so long that when he came to her, she felt stupid for not knowing. Her brain racked into a conversation she had with Wells two years ago and suddenly, she knew exactly what she had to do.

She placed the letter gently back into the envelope before she jumped up and placed her running shoes onto her feet.

She stuffed her phone and headphones into her pocket before she made her way out of her room. She tiptoed down the stairs and saw her father and Anya sitting together on the couch watching an old black and white movie.

She almost opened her mouth to tell them she was leaving but she didn't want to explain it to them. Even if her father knew about Well's previous bucket lists.

She opened the door softly and stared at the back of their heads before she made her way out of it. It was colder than before but it wasn't cold enough to make her ache for a jacket.

She placed her headphones in and found herself running toward the metro. She wasn't even out of breath when she found a seat on it. Her legs jumped up and down and she couldn't sit still during the entire half hour ride.

Once she got to the familiar station, she found her legs moving without much thought. It took longer than it had earlier with the taxi to get to The Ark but she got there just fine.

There were a few cars in the parking lot but she continued to walk past them. She made her way down toward the dock and felt her bones shake in slight hesitation. The 'NO SWIMMING' sign was fresh in her mind as she kicked off her shoes and placed her phone and headphones into them.

She glanced at the water and back toward The Ark.

 _Sometimes you just gotta take that risk, Griffin._

The sentence came to her suddenly. The words continued to flow around in her brain and without much of second thought to change her mind, she jumped in.

The water was freezing when she submerged above the surface. She coughed out the water that made its way into her nose but once she took in the stars above her head and the cool water around her, she started to laugh. It was soft, gentle laughter that made her blood run warmer than it had in days even though the water was freezing.

She floated a bit in the water but as she made her way back toward the dock, she saw a boy around her age standing at the end of it. She couldn't make out much of his face but she could tell that he was frowning.

"Can you read?"

She continued to keep afloat as she stared at him. He looked familiar but she couldn't quite place it. She wondered where he even came from. Had he watched her jump in? The thoughts swam around in her mind.

"Because the sign says no swimming."

She rolled her eyes. She wasn't going to let some stupid boy ruin this moment for her. She still felt the high of jumping into the water but now the cold water was causing her skin to shake. "I can read just fine."

He huffed and she could see the slight air puffing from his lips. "Are you sure about that?" He looked irritated but he stuck his hand out anyway.

She ignored it and pulled herself up and onto the deck herself. Her teeth clattered but she reached for her shoes anyway before she stared to walk away from him.

The boy pulled on her wrist.

She turned and stared at him. His face was scrunched up in annoyance but she could still make out a few freckles against his tanned skin. He let out a breath as he dropped his grip from her wrist. He quickly shrugged out of the light jacket he was wearing and handed it out to her without a word.

She stared at the gray jacket but she looked back at his face. "What?"

He seemed to grow even more annoyed with her. "Just take it."

"Why?"

"So you don't freeze to death."

She dropped her gaze at the word death and if the tall boy across from her noticed, he didn't say anything but continued to hold out his jacket to her. She felt her shoulders continue to shake and despite her earlier agitation, she found herself reaching out for it. She set down her shoes and wrapped herself up into the jacket. It had fit him perfectly but it fell to just above her knees.

When she looked back up, he was staring at her. The annoyance wasn't there but something else that she couldn't quite place was now taking over his features. She glanced around before she settled her eyes back onto his. "Thanks."

"Yeah." He said in a voice that was rough and deep and reminded her of the black and white movies her father loved so much. "Learn to read."

And with one final glance, he walked away from her.

She stared at his retreating form before she made her way home.

…

When she got back, the house was completely dark.

She made her way into her room and quickly shed the jacket and the wet clothing she had been wearing. She changed into a pair of warm pajamas and made her way back into her bed.

She still felt the slight high of jumping into the water. The memory of the water hitting her skin caused a smile to make its way toward her face. She reached for her phone and opened it to text Wells.

But then she remembered.

She dropped her phone and took a deep breath.

She tried to focus on the feeling of jumping off the dock. How the water swarmed around her. How brave she felt. How alive she felt.

She turned on her side and took a deep breath as she closed her eyes.

Maybe tomorrow would be easier, maybe it wouldn't. She didn't know what tomorrow would bring but she did know that she had a list that she needed to finish.

And with that final thought, she fell asleep. Sleeping better than she had in days.


End file.
